i've finally switched this blog over to moveabletype. now all my often neglected blogs can be updated from one nice clean interface.

in the process, i realized just how bad the code of this site needs updating. it's a mess. full of tacked on bits and pieces (the same goes for some of the navigation). another project to loose track of.

i was so much more productive - when i wasn't working.

added photos of some of my friends.

the other day, a kinko's customer filled out a comment card complimenting my friendly, calm demeaner - in an otherwise unfriendly, hectic enviorment.

thursday is my day off from kinkos. i usually go to the zen center and help with the outreach program. i try to spend as much of the day meditative as possible. today kinkos had a store meeting - from 1:00pm to 5:00pm. soup making and delivering is from 1:30pm to 3:30pm... or there abouts. i decided to skip all but the end of the meeting. even with being there for just an hour or so, i was still dreading it. kinko's is quite possibly the last environment i want to be at, in that frame of mind. i did it many times when i first started working there. it hurt. literally. i finally had to give it up. on the walk from the zen center there, i had an optimum situation in mind. as it turns out, things couldn't have gone better. i walked in... there where a couple of people in chairs near the door (everyone else was around the corner. it's an 'L' shaped room). i sat on the floor behind the chairs, put a handout on the floor in front of me, and preceded to meditate. for nearly the whole thing. it was surprisingly nice. not the deepest meditation by any means.... but better than many recent sittings. it was good to sit. it was even better to be myself in that environment. i doubt most people noticed... but one coworker (and friend) did. he commented rather sincerely. it made my day.

Full of fear.
Fighting to free from this frame of mind.
I find. Forgot. Find.

Forever it would seem...

i grow increasingly tired of talking. again. somewhere silence defines. i wonder how long i could be quiet for? never needing to ask another answer. once you've stopped talking to other people, do you stop talking to yourself? mentioning the seperation seems silly - egotistical - to think i care what i have to say. i am my only reminder. voice echoing in ears existing only to hear myself complain. and comforted by the sound of your own words.

in�ten�tion: A course of action that one intends to follow. An aim that guides action; an objective.

i try, very hard, to ensure my intentions are good. yet they still cause conflict among people important to me. quite a bit lately. i wonder where the importance of objective lies. if it is important at all. if the importance has nothing to do with the objective, but rather wether it is active or passive. acitive intention implies a certain solid goal. it doesn't have to. it can exist in abstraction. an outline of idea. but abstraction leads to confusion in those who come in contact with said intention. conflict occures. passive intention has a comfort to it. outline that idea - keep it in mind - drift towards it. abstraction still exists. the level is diffrent though. it's not just the idea, but the process. which means saying no. not trying. detaching fully from all things. any halfway and the whole thing doesn't work.

at this point, i am wholy halfway. stuck between good intention and desires. to change that is frightning. to keep that is tiring... something has to give.

i seem to spend a dissporportionate amount of time writing about time, here. always running in to it on it's way out. old friends. new friends. family. and me. none seem to get enough. i think quality, over quantity, is the answer. or at least the direction. but then... why the question?