So I almost quit Kinkos. Left home with full intent - and didn't. I don't ever want to go back there again. Yet there are things I don't want to do more. One big one. Some small ones. All are temporary and will soon pass. So what to do next?

Today I put together some tools so that my roommate can host some web pages under one of my web sites. With as little learning curve as possible. I enjoyed it. Finding applications. Making my own. Tieing it all together. Its what I have done and what I do. But it's not very realistic these days. Maybe no more days...

Teaching is tempting. Especially technology to children... but I lack a formal education. Not that it matters - to me. Yet It's difficult to write a cover letter convincing mister so and so that I can do anything I want - well - and have been...

I keep my eyes open for an opportunity to own my own job. With a friend or two. Spending the days providing something I enjoy for other people who share a similar interest. But the commitment often overwhelms me. I need the space to drift. alone. now and again. More often than I sometimes admit and already allow...

Which brings me back to a common place. Living quietly. The idea is warm and welcoming. Yet I owe many things to a handful of wonderful people kind enough to take care of me in the midst of troubled times. Until they're properly repaid, I can't walk away...


So I almost quit Kinkos. and didn't.

I'm on travellin' to places that the eye can't see but kinder, cause yo' strife don't mean a thing to me throwin' me criminal looks, y'all need to get in the books and drop some water in your melon, 'stead of actin' like a felon aiyo son, who you tellin'? I'd make a mil if it was up to me but since it ain't I teach my seed to bank hard and thank God, I smoke a substance of a different kind catch me trippin' on earth when I'm high off sunshine

Dove (De La Soul) / Sunshine / Stakes Is High

as of late, i've been making a lot of web sites. again i'm reminded of how much i enjoy, and miss, it. i find myself getting back into the swing of it. reading wonderful sites. coding nice clean xhtml. upgrading homesite. checking colors and placement. code. reload. code. reload. running through each link and every possible scenario. across two computers. i spent nearly every day for years doing this. as long as i'm still learning, i don't think it will ever wear thin.

today i lost something important.
actually, i hadn't had it for some time now - but i held out hope that it would be found. quickly and quietly returned to it's previous location...

i try to avoid attachment. though it's tough. i don't have any words to say. it can be left this way.... but the spot is still empty. and noticeable.

instead i surround myself with a stack of new music (justification: it's all used. realization: i shouldn't afford it anyway). washing out in waves of distraction.

and the silver lining is somewhat seen. what i've been missing, is a previous focus. energies too divided among activities that take and never give. some can't be helped. my job stays. until the bills go away. others can. and maybe have been.

i guess i'll see.

Anybody got exact change for camaraderie?
You?
Could it be You? You?
Could it be?
You?
No........
Then humble it is.

Dose One / Crayon Sharpener / Them

another sunny sunday afternoon spent outside.
good company sharing breakfast and a seat in the park.

then work.
immediate responsibility for others lack of. left behind projects without completion. customers not angry. just disappointed. upset that they have to wait another day to get on with their lives. and pay money for it. understanding that i've done all i could, we just can't. followed up by seemingly endless singular sided conversation. full of words and little content. volume making up for any ranging intent.

then headache.
like turning around just in time to see the wall you hit at fifty miles per hour. eyes first. wide open. and i want to cry - but Everything is pressed so close to my face, there's no room for tears... just home and hot tea.

important conversations are left lingering. my inbox stares back, pinpointing my guilt, while the phone sits silently in mockery. people to take care of - left behind. not far, but too far.


balance continues to allude my reach.

the winter rains haven't fully gone away. today they were back with a vengeance. misty and wet in between times of windy and hard rain. i was outside giving warm soup to homeless folks. i was surprised how many people had just given up on being dry. there weren't nearly as many people as usual, but we still went through two crates of soup and juice. it got to be rather messy. wax/paper cartons melting together then falling apart in the rain. soup all over my pants and between my toes (i was wearing sandals). yet it was a wonderful time. everyone was so incredibly grateful. especially since it was still hot.

i really want a new job - but i don't know what i'd do without thursdays off.

january was some sort of month. new and old friends continue to come and go. the space remains the same, only it's occupation cycles. some have taken two steps forwards. some four steps back. few have failed to move at all. everyone is at the same point. a difficult one. no matter the frequency of their respective smiles. i've wanted to remove, yet i can't seem to avoid contact. an immanent death keeps the phone ringing. a love once lost leads to hours long e.mail. a love feared for forgotten makes false conversation. and through it all i find comfort. feeling it float past surpasses the anxieties and desires - given enough time.

now the sun has gone back to shining, and along with it, the need to wander. it's been awhile since i've covered enough distance to watch the wind grow. it's been awhile since i've spent quality time with myself. uninterrupted by the potential for something different. it's been awhile, so it still goes. and i'll went. and we'll carry on.

...i hope to see you then.

yesterday was good.
i had breakfast with alyson (the best tofu scramble i've had in san francisco). then we picked up her new girlfriend, celeste, and headed to the beach. my favorite beach no less - over in the marin headlands. it was beautiful. sunny and warm. it was so nice to lay in the sand, soak up some sun, and listen to the ocean. especially with such good company. it was by far the best superbowl party i've ever been too.

photos coming soon...

With collected christmas monies, i bought a used powershot s100 digital elph. tonight i finally created a weblog to post the pictures.

Please have a look at my sandbox.